In my first time through the paper the grammar was not my primary concern as long as I was able to clearly read the paper and understand the ideas the author was trying to portray. On a positive note, the author did show moments where he or she could make solid analysis; it just needed to be consistent throughout. I ended up giving this paper a C+ for a few main reasons and those being the topic sentences and the thesis were not strong enough to make me think this paper was B worthy. In addition, the analysis throughout the paper was not incredibly strong and there weren’t many connections between the quotes.
In regards to the thesis the only comments I made were two simple questions that would put more depth to the thesis. How do individual influence their environment and how and how are they influenced, and what significance does this have? I felt this thesis was a bit contradictory and didn’t really lead anywhere. For each topic sentence I asked a question that would give more detail because I didn’t feel the topic sentences were saying enough. So how or why do individuals aspire to accomplish set goals, why is individual agency difficult to accomplish when individuals live solely within the guidelines of society, why do individuals tend to only focus on the self when on a journey, and what significance does it have. By asking these questions and not giving an answer I believe the student can go into his or her next paper and know already that these are the type of questions that need to be answered when coming up with a thesis or topic sentence.
When it came down to analysis and connections I didn’t feel like the author was really hitting the meaning of the quotes, basically just scratching the surface. To add, the author would sometimes add in a quote, add a sentence after and end the paragraph. I felt as though he was not really explaining why the quote was there and more importantly how it was working with the previous quotes. To me that was a big problem I had throughout the paper.
The final comment I had was that the conclusion was lazy.
One thing I did was throughout the paper was I highlighted the thesis and topic sentences orange, the quotes yellow, and the analysis pink. By doing this the author can look back and more easily see 1) do my topic sentences relate to my thesis and are they really hitting the point I am trying to make? 2) Do my quotes relate to my topic sentences and are they really hitting the point I am trying to make? Finally 3) do I have enough analysis? Typically for analysis I like it to be twice as long as the quote is. So if a quote is 3 lines